Ok this is why I don't date. Here is the scenario..............
Met this guy at a pool party this weekend. He instantly says "you look familiar, have you been on the news...?" So of course I laugh it off and DENY, DENY, DENY because this party was in my subdivision as in where I live etc. Not that I care but it just wasn't the place. Plus since he didn't come right out an admit to where it was I don't know what he is talking about. But I found him to be cute and very amusing. So as the day goes on we talk and found that we have some common interests and philosophies and we decide to exchange #s. Fine. We chit chat on the phone a few times. Still fine. I take it upon myself to suggest that we go out sometime. I suggest tonight. Now we all have already discussed here that I can not go to work all day and have a life. I come home and I am too tired to do anything. Then add the fact that I just bought a 7 week old pitbull puppy along with my other dog and those 2 kids take up more time. So I suggest the movies because I figure I can catch a nap then go out. Here is the killer.........
This gentleman tells me NO! He doesn't like to go to the movies and he has not been in 2 years. First off who doesn't like the movies??? Why not? Something about his knees hurting and he cant move around....? What the F**K??? Do you have ADD or something where you can't sit still for 1.5-2hrs?? But the issue for me is its the 1st date. Whether you liked the movies or not, me being the woman and suggesting the event, and you wanting to get to know me should have kept your mouth shut and went along with it. Anyone else would have and later if the relationship progressed would have let me know they didn't care for the movies. So I feel like he is rude and SELFISH and totally unaccommodating. I guess he must have thought about it and noticed how my mood and phone demeanor changed so then he texts that he will go to the movies..he must really like me to do that. What????? I don't even want to go with him now. NEXT!!
His alternative.........A restaurant that has Happy Hour on Tues night with Jazz? I don't know I think the fact that he told me know on a 1st date irks me. Plus anyone who doesn't like the movies is weird. Then add that I suspect you want to go to what is essentially a bar either to prove or disprove my identity or maybe he thinks I am just that easy that after a few drinks XXX will come out. Well it doesn't work like that in the real world. Why do I even bother with these dudes?
The other ones I have run into this week have all tried to strong arm me into a date. With a total disregard for my schedule. Is this what the real world is because this shit sucks!!!!
By the way mark my words plea deal is coming Mike has no choice.
In response to the IDIOT who asked if I am happy. Give me a break you act like you feel sorry for the Vicks. Sorry for what? They had ever opportunity in the world to make it and they both still fucked it up. So this has nothing to do with dogs over people it has to do with stupidity over common sense. It does not give me joy to see anyone go to jial. I am merely saying that he and his whole family need to look at how they have 2 star athletes sitting on the sofa when they should've been a football dynasty.
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Ayana unfortunately this is the world we live in. Trust me it is just as hard for men too. I think it is a people thing not a gender thing when it comes to people being out for self. Hey I am not sure if you believe in God but I have come to the realization that it is better for me to connect with someone that is about God as I am. Now i am not saying that I am a perfect christian because I do things I should not do but I am saying that it is nice to find a person that wants do be strong in the church as I do. If you are not into God maybe you should try tp find someone that has a strong interest in something you believe. It can be difficult but hang in there. I spent ten years with someone that was not for me and me not for her. I got tired of just going through the motions with ladies and settled instead of being patient and allowing God to guide me and it cost me ten years and I can never get that back. What I am trying to say is hang in there. From the post I have read you seem to have a passion for life and caring heart when it comes to others and that is a good thing. Sometimes being nice is hard but it does allow you to weed out what is not good and allows you to find a person that loves you and respects you for who you are. I really enjoy reading your blogs (I wish you had the time to post more). I have always been attracted to your outter beauty but it has been a pleasure to see your inner beauty. At this point in my life, that is what I cherrish the most. Hey good luck in your quest for a good man:). I still hope that one day our paths will cross. It would be nice just to sit down and chat with you. Hey you never have enough friends right:). Take care
Ayana,
I agree with you. When on a date with a woman for the first time, a man should be a accomodating as can be. I try not to say no to any requests on the first date and mainly I am very accomodating anyways, so unless its really unusual, then I can go along with it. Now I do sometimes say no, not because I dont want to, but you can let you, a woman of such beauty and class think that I am a pushover, smile. He was weird, and I think he had or has an alternative motive. Check ya later.
Teddy Bear
Oh,my...this only happens in a man's dreams or a sitcom. Ayana asks a guy out and not just "hey we should go out sometime" but hey lets go out to a movie tonight! Well, you know what they say about the law of averages. The next 99 guys that you ask out will undoubtedly say YES and when shall I pick you up.
Why do some people have to bring God into everything? Religion is at the root of many of the problems in the world today. Not the least of which is the Religous Right. Sorry that I deviated from the topic, but I could not help myself.
I think you need to come down off of your pedestal. If you like the guy, just because he doesn't want to go to a movie isn't a reason to get rid of him. If it's a question of whether he knows of your pass, why don't you just tell him about it and get that over with. Because whether he knows who you are or not, eventually it will all have to come out. So, wouldn't it be better to get it out of the way and end all the suspicion. That way you can openly set the guidelines and all the games(if any) can stop. Honestly, I don't think you will ever find a guy unless you are open about your past, especially if you are interested in being involved with this guy. I think honesty is the best policy and that you can avoid a lot of the drama you experience with these guys. Besides I think being upfront with them helps put all the control back in your hands, it's easy to just dump a guy and move on but honestly is kicking them to the curb just a way of not dealing with what the real problem may be?
Ayanna
I am sorry that this happened to you, and I am sure that looking back on the situation, he would have acted differently.
I do feel that there are two sides to every story though, and the fact that you are a woman of your stature, I am sure that your tolerance for BS is below zero.
I hope that you don't take that out on other guys because of this.
I watch on all your movies and the one thing (other than how sexy you are) is the fact that you have an awesome personality.
I dream of one day going on a date with you with and having a stimulating conversation with no prior committment to anything else.
Ive never heard of anyone not enjoying movies...he could've, at the very LEAST, said that he had some weird social disorder that didnt allow him to sit in closed, dark spaces. But to say that his "knees" hurt and he cant go? On a day like today, he could've gotten away with putting his legs over the chair in front of him..or sitting closer to the front where he could stretch out.
Either or, dude was trying to run game...and he either A. wanted to take you to the bar so that he could try and get you tipsy and see where it goes or B. he nutted up and realized who you were and didnt want to go but just didnt know how to say no.
Men are suppose to be accomodating, especially if they're trying to get to know you. I guess it works both ways. He sucks though. Ah well.
Ayana,
I think dude just got cold feet and pulled some B.S. out his arse. Dating is rough. I live in Las Vegas and it tough here too for all the obvious reasons. Just stay strong, and someone who will appreciate you for you will be along.
I have two dogs also so I am well aware of the time pressure there. I have a Cockapoo and a chuahuahua. They fit for the size property I have.
Dating can be fun on occasion, but often is not. Yeah, Ayana, there are a lot of busters out there. Also a lot of peeps who do not possess common sense (it probably should be called uncommon sense). This dude could not sit thru a movie? Get outta here. He could hang at a pool party and chop it up with you for a few hours. Something doesn't add up here. He was heading in the right direction. You found him cute and there were some common interests, etc.
The idea of a jazz club with some light drinking doesn't sound too bad. But a movie allows you to relax and laugh for a couple of hours before maybe grabbing a quick bite to eat and then heading home. A nice way to get to know each other a little better and slowly let things develop.
I have found since divorcing in 1998 that there are a lot of game players among the women as well and not just the fellas. My women friends tell me stories of their experiences with some of the fools roaming around. I remain patient and persistent cuz it's also true that there are some gems out there in both genders as well.
It also helps to luv oneself and not get desperate. I would rather be by myself than with the wrong person.
Ayana, keep on keepin on. Mr. Right will come along one day no doubt and be into you for the total package and not just the external. Or it could be Ms. Right as well. Hey, I just know I'm right about that one.
And with work, a move coming up, and your two kids, you have plenty to keep you busy. Be well, and good luck.
LOL - Stewart
Do you know there is casting going on for season 3 of Flava of Love? I think you should submit a casting video. You and Flava Flav would rock the ratings. I think you would get lots of votes if you uploaded a video onto the VH1 site where people vote for the girls they want to see on the show. The top 5 vote receivers are guaranteed a spot on season 3. I think you should go for it, hell you may even find the love you're looking for in Flava Flav(LOL)
I have a hard time understanding what do you expect from these men, are you forgetting that they are men? 9 times out of 10 all we want is to have sex with the women as soon and as often as possible. I'm sure with you, 10 times out of 10 sex is what men are wanting from you. I'm not just saying that because you are a ex-pornstar, you are beautiful,and fine as hell, also. So, I'm sure when men see you, whether they recognize who you are or not, they are looking at the beautiful and fine woman you are and thinking like most men, damn I would like to hit that. I'm sure at this point in your life you know how to tell the guys who want sex and the guys who want sex and a little more than just sex. Here's a little inside advice for you, men want women who will be openly available to them, I know you have a career and puppies and a busy life, but, selfish like we are as men we want to be put ahead of all of that, even if we aren't willing to do the same for the woman. So stop getting frustrated, we all go through it, it's just a part of life. Continue to be patient, Love you, Ayana.
I love reading you Ayana.
Dating in Atlanta..."this shit sucks" does not begin to describe the bull that we have to put up with here.
First of all, nobody wants to sit still unless it's somewhere "cool". Here's what the gentlemen was trying to say: he thinks the movies are boring. True…he may have been trying to get you liquored up with ulterior motives…but doesn’t everyone know that this method doesn’t work after 28. Anyway…I have suggested dates that might include the movies...and the reactions go from uhhh...ok to why do you want to go there...we can't talk. I say...sometimes silence is golden. For some reason...if going out in Atlanta does not involve the whole "seeing and being seen" routine these folks here don't want anything to do with it. Let's go to Verve...let's go to the Compound...lets go to Utopia, Houston's, M Bar, Cheesecake Factory. Can we at least go somewhere that actually serves good food? What about the Harlem Bar or Rare when they are not busy? And if one more woman says "let's go hang out in Atlantic Station...I'm going to become a monk. I'm not standing in line or waiting for an hour to do anything. It's one thing to go to some of these places every now and then...but three to four days a week? Fist of all, I'm not about to blow my hard earned money like that...I don't care how good you look or if you can make me suck my thumb after the do. Wait a minute...how do these people stay out all night and then go to work and be productive?
I'm not trying to get into a debate...I had to say this before going forward because I'm not trying to step on toes. Come down off of your pedestal? Sir, what type of women have you been dealing with? First date etiquette: if the woman makes a suggestion...roll with it. It's not about putting on a front, not being yourself or misleading someone while you pursue the “oh yeah”. Here’s a secret. Genuine gentleman from the south...we know that there will be a many times when we have to sacrifice even though we want to be selfish. The funny thing is...good women know this inherently...so they only ask for a few "my ways" and give more "our ways" in the long run. What does this mean? As good men with a clue about life...we have to reverse the way we are hard wired by society from time to time and do things that we may not want to do at the moment. Hell, make it fun. For instance...I really do have bad knees from running so much. It hurts like hell when I sit in those tight rows at the movies...but all I have to do is turn sideways in my seat and extend my legs from time to time. I turn up the dramatics a bit to get attention…I won’t lie. The mature, settled, giving women that I have gone out with recognized that I was in pain and even offered to leave...but I want to see the movie too and I refuse to leave. So what happens? I get my knees rubbed at the movies...I think that's intimate. I return the favor by rubbing their hand. By the way...women are more willing to express their "true selves" when they see you're willing to sacrifice/give as well.
So, Ms. Ayana...stay on your pedestal...if your potential to be a great person is anything like your ability to be uninhibited...every man does not deserve to be in your presence. If they can't understand the simple principle of having to earn money to live (your schedule)...tell them to kick rocks (remember doing that when you were young and somebody had made you mad?). That's what I tell women when they want to hang out until 4am through the week. The messed up part is you can't tell who's into the bull by just looking at them.
Anyway...if I run into you in Atlanta...I'll start a conversation...let you know I'm familiar with your past...and then start talking about the weather or my belief in Vick NOT taking a plea deal (just to make things interesting). That's how much the past matters to me...the XXX is in most women (people period)…either we choose to reveal it or we don’t....who am I to expect to see it or pressure a lady about it? It should be a comfortable process.
Ok...I know I'm not the first to ask and I definitely won't be the last. Do you exchange emails with folk that post to your blog? I'd appreciate the opportunity to communicate with you.
And...forgive me for writing the short story.
I would have told you "no" too.
Going to the movies suck. Bunch of people talking during the movie, ringing cell phones and over-priced popcorn. Maybe ten years ago it would have been cool, but these days there's no point.
I think a Jazz club (or "bar" or whatever) would suck too.
What's wrong with a nice dinner? Always makes for a great first date.
And even though you have all these guys, who are reading your blog, kissing your ass, probably 95% of the guys you run into in daily life won't know who you are. Hell, if I saw you on the street, I probably wouldn't recognize you either.
So the next time you're assessing someone's reaction to you, don't assume that they know you're an ex-porn actress. I use that "have I seen you on [TV/movies/whatever]" line on chicks all the time. And these are girls that could never be on TV -- so I'd reserve judgment before jumping to conclusions when dealing with some new dude.
You got what you wanted Mike is going down. Does that make you feel better to see the young brother ruin himself. We all know the life of those dogs are more important than the life of human beings. Kiss your dog tonight and let it know how much more important it is so much more that it's life would be valued of a human beings life.
The movies is not a good place for a date,you can't talk very much to find out about each other.Granted you made the first move he should have taken the date,you put yourself out there.Not many women make a move so that was dumb on his part.The jazz club sounds nice but the damage was done.Anytime a woman ask me to go out.I take the date since i respect her good taste.Granted I am many hours away from a psych degree.I think the problem is you do not want to get hurt Ms. in turn you use small things to end it, to avoid being hurt.You have to take that chance or you will not find that special someone.Belive me I've put myself out and had some terrible situations but continue.Yeah it hurts but later they provide some funny stories later.
The season starts soon don't be slacking on the picks.Take care Ms.
ayana, what i learned about life and relationships is this, you make your own reality. I look for what i want and be REALISTIC about it and if anyone presents a roadblock because they just want to be a disagreeable type, i move on. Tell people what you want and if they cant accomadate, bounce. As far as Mike Vick and his brother, you hit the nail on the head, Im a big Vick fan but he is so stupid. U gotta leave that hood stuff alone, making all that money and gambling chump change. lol Anyway, like i said above, think about what you want in life, and move toward it. If people realize that the way they treat people becomes THEIR reality, they would think twice about the games and garbage. peace
A football dynasty...Peyton and Eli. Too bad our community places more importance on keeping it real than growing up. The Vick brothers could have did for football what the Williams sisters did for tennis. Oh well...I'm not a sports fan anyway. Hopefully I'll help produce and raise kids that dominate a field that requires intellect. I think they'll be more good role models around for that when I'm not available. Maybe that will help them to skip over the worst aspects of keeping it real.
I've heard a few folks talking about Vick doing nothing more than game hunters. Game hunitng is accepted and not labeled as illegal...PETA wouldn't stand a chance against the NRA. Simply put, there is no Pit Bull Fighters Association that supports and promotes "humane" fighting of dogs. Get over it and realize what country we live in (fair or unfair - it is what it is).
I can see where you are a bit frustrated in the situation, Ayana (for I too would be like "WTF?"). But I'm sure that by this time, you have had time to sit back and reflect on the situatuion and have laughed at it--and HIM!
When he shyed away from the movies in favor of a drink at a lounge, I'm sure you assumed that he was on some "other" type stuff. And rightfully so.
I think you did well by being upfront with him (to an extend) about your day-to-day grind and things that are important to you. In this world of "smoke and mirrors" its refreshing to know that some people STILL value honesty and making good first impressions.
Reading through your blogs I see that you are "testing the waters" to an extent to see if there might be someone to share this life (NOT talking about "love" or relationships).
Which is great!
Don't be dissuaded by the few "loss" ones you meet.
Entertaining post, though! Terrible excuses by ol' boy. haha!
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